“To be, or not to be? That is the question” -Trials along the thorny path of life

Kaylinn, what do you think of you and I…of us?!” I said nothing, but rather than staring back into his blinking blue eyes, stared at the floor. Inside of me, my heart was crumbling. I was cleft; torn in two. Should I stand with my morals, and keep my eyes only on guys who prioritized Jesus Christ first, or go with this guy who, through my love struck eyes, made my life feel almost complete.

I slowly turned to look him in the eyes, before murmuring “I don’t know”. “What do you mean you don’t know?” At this point, by the way Simon was shaking, I could see him breaking inside. He was on the verge of tears. Trying to maintain the typical “tough guy” exterior, he looked at me squarely in the face, before nearly breaking into a run.

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“I will stay single for the rest of my life”, I confidently inscribed on the tear stained page of my journal, late one night after falling out with my third significant other. Between having a father with whom I never fully felt loved; one of whom was prone to violent outbursts when he got annoyed over things, prone to making my heart break and cause me to have another duvet day more than I already wanted, I decided that I never, ever wanted to rely on a male figure in my life. So far, all I had already seen of them, were violence, undependability and heart break. After feeling as if I had sacrificed my whole life for one, and then to just get dumped or ditched as it is so fondly referred to in Ireland, where I originate from, I found myself never wanting to go through the pain of heartbreak ever again. I felt as if my previous experiences had taught me that no matter how a guy will promise to never leave you, and always be there, he will go back on his word…you will be left alone, clinging onto old photographs with your mascara running down your face. Alone, with nothing to hold onto or save, apart from your memories. -And for someone like myself who possesses a short-term memory… that is not a lot.

It was 6th year when my best friend started acting weird around me. We had been close friends since the tender age of 11, and were always together no matter what…totally inseparable. That was until I started school, and had to keep turning down her invitations to meet up and stay over at her house, as my workload was far too high. I feel as if she didn’t fully understand my circumstances, no matter how much I expressed them to her, and instead felt as if she had been replaced by my new friends at school. Suddenly I began getting the cold shoulder almost far too much for my liking, and started hearing bitter, hateful rumors being circulated about myself right, left and center. I was totally in the dark about what was going on, and then was suddenly added into WhatsApp group conversations with a number of our mutual friends also added into them, and ridiculed. Another one of my closest mutual friends told me that our friends mother, had been telling her parents stories about myself, and they “no longer wanted (her) hanging around” me, as I was apparently a “bad influence”.

They caught me at a low point, and I was devastated. My heart strings were pulled at and tampered with, and I felt myself on a constant low, as the “fiasco” completely unfolded, invading my thoughts and occupying my mind on a constant 24/7 basis. I couldn’t escape from it even at night, as the situation plagued my dreams, turning them into nightmares. To make matters worse, I was in 6th year, stereotyped for being a stressful enough year. Between Leaving Certificate stress, the constant expectations society placed upon my young shoulders, having a dysfunctional relationship with a member of my family, I spent many days alone in my room banging my head off a wall, with tears pouring down my face. I wanted to die. I felt totally misunderstood and hated. I felt as if all around me, people were spouting accusations at me, and instead of waiting for my side of the story, assaulting me with allegations. I hated arguing. I felt as if it resolved absolutely nothing. But all around me, I kept getting dragged into arguments. I was made a pawn in a game I was neither asked, nor wanted to play. I hated the lump in my throat that had become almost too familiar with me. All this time, a bottle filled up with lilac liquid, commonly known as nail polish remover, sat solitary on my shelf. Attached to the sticker on the back, a notice read “Warning! Do not consume! Contents may kill!”…

Sitting on a proverbial stone right now, and thinking back, things could have been so much worse. I could have drunk the corrosive nail polish remover, just like I felt like doing every time my world turned upside down. I could be lying, stone cold in a coffin right now, 10 meters deep in my local cemetery, right at this moment in time. I thought about it, and then I thought about it some more. My conscience told me, “surround yourself with people whose faces light up, because they genuinely want to see you coming. Block out the haters, and move on with your life, follow your dreams, no matter what”…and so that’s what I did. Over two months later when Simon asked me out for the second time, I found myself, this staring back at him, took a deep breath, and meeting his blinking blue eyes, decisively said “yes, I will…let’s try life together”. He gave me his hand, and this time I no longer felt completely empty and alone, as we walked hand in hand across the university campus.

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Guys, Drama and Heartbreak

“Why is it that when I tell a guy I don’t like him the same way he likes me, he stops texting and talking to me? …I mean, I still want to be friends…”

You’re that social butterfly who loves nothing better, than to get out there and make new friends. But what happens when guys come along? …Misinterpreted signs. Extreme happiness which suddenly plunges into heartbreak. Many tears…

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New Start, New Beginnings

“You have received an offer for your first CAO course DN500. Please accept or reject this course before 17:15”, the long awaited text message screamed at me. After two long years of hard work, tears, stress, upcoming exams (which never seemed to go away), and expectation, I had finally made it. My heart started pounding in my chest, and I dissolved into a puddle of happy tears.

I think what I love the most about university, is that it’s so different than school. I mean, the pressure to conform is no longer placed on our shoulders. Instead I feel free to embrace the super quirky, individualistic person I am. I entered university knowing no one, and plenty of other people were in the exact same boat. Instead of fantasizing friendships and waiting for others to bounce up to me, and ask me if I wanted to be friends, I sat between two different people every day in my lectures, and got to know them. Suddenly for the first time in my life, I found myself experiencing popularity and acceptance. The one people bounced up to if they wanted a chat. The person who was usually in the middle of a crowd. The person everyone looked up to, and wanted to be friends with. But then came the admires…and just as fast as they came, they left. ..and just as quick as I was happy, I felt torn, with a numbing sense of guilt and impending doom.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Kaylinn, you either want to go out with me, or you don’t!”

How do you tell a guy that you don’t feel the same way about them, as they evidently feel about you? The highlight of university for me, was the social aspect; getting to see new faces, making new friends and creating some new experiences…definitely not get tied down into a relationship. The past has sadly taught me that no matter what a guy promises, no matter how much he declares he will always be there for you and never let you down, he always will. I’m tired of trying to mend broken relationships, where the patience is still there to put it back together, but the glue is missing, and no matter just how much you try to gather up all the shards of glass, the only thing that happens is you keep cutting yourself with the splinters. I’m sick of guys coming and going in my life, and think I’d rather stay single, at least I know that no one will ever let me down.

Uncertainties

“Two are better than one, if one falls down, his friend can help him up”. To be straight and honest, right now, at this space in time, all I want is friends; people who will stay with me through the thick and thin, people that won’t tell me to shut up ‘cos my point is irrelevant, people that love me for who I am as a person and people that I can confide in. Right now, I don’t feel as if one of these people includes a boyfriend…! Of course, I’m not going to stay celibate for life, but if I start going out with a guy, I want to have known him for more than three days, at least!! I don’t get why some fellas find it hard to comprehend this!! I’m not the type of girl you will see on a night out, with her tongue glued into another guys……not at all! -And if that is defined as “normal behavior”, I do not ever want to be classified as a “typical girl”.

-21/10/17

One Girl, One Journey | onegirlonejourney98@gmail.com

A Quest for Meaning Throughout the Stormy Paths of Life 

#newlife #death #passingon #searchformeaning #conqueringdeath #christian #teen

“What’s the purpose of life?” You quiz yourself for the first time ever, after someone that you dearly and truly loved, has passed on into eternity. For the first time you find yourself suffering feelings of loss, and begin searching for answers to questions relating to the fundamental truths of life…

“Should I feel bad about this?” You ask, with your quizzical brow furrowed deep in thought, concerned that this spiral of thought will obliterate every possible chance of you ever meeting your maker. Well, the answer my dear friends is no, you shouldn’t feel bad…in fact, we are told to “search the scriptures”…so you are under no illusion there. 

Okay, so I’m not some mystical character who knows the reasoning behind your latest loss, but I do know that for everything that happens, there is a reason behind it. The year 2012 marked a pivotal point in my life. Not metaphorically by the way, but literally. I am aware of the many conspiracy theories that were floating about, stating that that year would mark the end of the world etc…etc… -there was some crazy ideas there, I’m telling you! But in other ways, I really felt that my world was ending. It started in January of that year when my grandfather; the one who would always squeeze my hand and tell me he was proud of me…the one who made a special effort to drive 50 miles to our home, despite just how sick he was, in order to celebrate my thirteenth birthday, and the man who taught me to appreciate the beauty of God’s creation in sunsets, was diagnosed with cancer. He was given only a few weeks left to live. It broke my heart to see him getting weaker and weaker…and on the 24 February 2012, my grandfather passed on. Let’s just say I cried…I cried…and I cried. The whole family were in shock, and being the young teenager, I turned to my peers. However, I struggled to find solace in my friends, they never appeared to understand the searing pain of loss and grief I was feeling…or maybe they just didn’t let on. What made me even more upset, was that at the funeral, my best friend’s mother came to support my parents, but my friend was nowhere in sight, even though the funeral was on a Saturday. I guess these were selfish thoughts of mine…but I’m just letting you know exactly what  running through my thirteen and a half year old mind.

I struggled a lot after this, and lost my self confidence…I turned from a lively, boisterous child, into a quiet mouse who couldn’t venture into public, without feeling like everyone was staring and talking about her. But then this was where it really happened, and I turned back to God, the person I had been ignoring while my life was going great. I’m sad to say, that it was only after I felt my friends had left me, that I turned back to Jesus. I began to talk to God every day, and realize that he was a more comforting best friend, than my earthly ones, as he was omnipresent. I started reading my Bible again, and trying to live my life more like Jesus would want me to.

Sadly my grandfathers death in February wasn’t the last loss to hit our doors, and in July my uncle was tragically killed in an accident. Although he was kept on life support for three days, I think that this death was possibly more traumatic. I’ll never forget seeing him lying in under a thin blanket in a draughty ward, with my aunt draped across him in tears. I was in the hospital, in the waiting room, when they turned the life support machine off. Everyone just assumed that as we were kids; death didn’t affect us…that we were emotionless. So as people were coming out of the room in tears, not one person told us what was after happening. But that was alright, we had already worked it out. I guess girls always have this sense of intuition…it’s hard to explain… like we aren’t in possession of a mystical glass ball, capable of foreseeing the future, but rather it is in our instinct…it’s our human nature. I sat there, with a lump in my throat, trying for the sake of my younger siblings, not to burst into tears. An hour later, my mother’s older sister was second last to emerge, shortly followed by our mother. She was the only person who told us that our uncle had just died. Although, I already knew the inevitable, when she told the news, and the finality of death sank in, I burst into tears, saying “What about Granny? What about my Granny??” My heart began pumping in my chest, when I thought about how my 84 year old grandmother at home alone, would take it when she heard the news. Images of another cold, lifeless body began to flood my mind, haunting me out of my spirit. “Please God, don’t take my Nanna. Protect her and strengthen her…”, I prayed.

Again, I began to feel that panging loss inside of me…but this time, things were different. Instead of a cold, frosty winter, it was a bright, warm summer, and for the first time I began to realize about the significance of God in my life. I mean, up until now, I guess I’d never really thought about death. I had encountered it at a younger age, when a young neighbour died of a brain tumor at the tender age of four…but to be honest, I never really understood the whole life after death thing…or the seriousness about accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Savior. It was only after I reached the stormy paths, without my best friends, that I realized the importance of having Jesus in my life, and started having a personal relationship with Him. 

Despite however difficult your situation may seem, or how isolated you may feel, remember that Christ offers everyone this omnipresent relationship… as the hymn goes “even when earthly pleasures may fade and fail, when fate and fears arise, know that God is always on your side”. Yes, I struggled to come to terms with death at the age of thirteen, I don’t even want to ever re-live the thoughts that plagued my mind, and entered my head at those moments, but praise be to Jesus, that by His grace, by His undeniable love, and through His amazing power, I got through it, and came out with a new best friend… One who, despite whatever the situation may be, will never let me down, but will always be right by my side, no matter what. 
I love you Lord. Xx

When Struggles Surface Over the Incoherent Beauty of Friendship

#teenfriendships #brokenrelationships #tears

At hundred memories flash through my mind making me smile, but suddenly a fog breaks through, and dark clouds block my vision as thunderstorms of tears pour down on my cheeks and I remember that things are different now…

“I miss you, not in a ‘lets hold hands and be together forever’ sort of way…Just plain and simple, I miss my best friend. I miss the fun times we had together and your presence in my life…”

You say things you never meant to say…I guess you were caught on a low point, and the words just slip out. Misunderstandings arise, conclusions are drawn up by those ‘affected’, incorrectly assuming things with a hand cupped around their mouths and hushed voices. You realize the pain of exaggeration for the first time after you tell something to a friend you thought that you could rely on, and they repeat an exaggerated version back to the person it concerned. Feelings are hurt, and you are left with your mascara running down your cheeks as you lie in your bed, under the sheets, clinging onto old photographs and crying your heart out.

Unfortunately, I know this feeling all too well. I am not perfect, so I’d say that for everyone this scenario is pretty relatable. At times I feel like my heart is breaking, but this is not severing with hatred, just a sense of a combination of loss and emptiness.
“Why is it always me??!” I scream to myself inwardly, before I come to the realization that without these misfortunes, I would probably never turn to God, my Lord and Savior.

Right now I am in 6th year at school – my final year, hence it is extremely busy and stressful! Important decisions have to be made within a matter of days, and lately…well lets just say that I haven’t been making God my top priority. -that is unless things go wrong, and then I turn straight to Him.
How lucky am I that we have such a caring and compassionate Lord and Savior? I tremble to imagine the scenario if God were to leave me on the sideline in my distress, like I do with him.
People of the world, I really need your help and prayers at the moment that despite how busy i may find myself, that I will always, from now on make God top priority.

I feel so blessed to be surrounded by fellow Christian believers from around the world, and hope that you will also be blessed as you follow my own spiritual Christian journey through whatever path the Lord chooses to lead me.
~A Searching Heart ♥

One Girl, One Journey

#teengirl #christian #journey #self-realization 

“One girl, one journey?”,  you ask screwing up your face possibly as far as it will go, in a moment of poignant thought. After considering all possible reasons and their outcomes, finally you take up the courage, and muster “why?”

I am an eighteen year old girl, on a journey…a journey to self-realization. A journey to seek my purpose and my goals in life. The world is my oyster, or so I’ve been told… Through this blog, I hope to share my journey; my spiritual battles against the ravages of time with you people. Everyone has doubts and insecurities throughout life, and people of the world, I pray that you are not feeling alone. Rather, I hope that by following my spiritual journey, you will be both motivated and blessed.
God bless you all💜 xo