Kaylinn, what do you think of you and I…of us?!” I said nothing, but rather than staring back into his blinking blue eyes, stared at the floor. Inside of me, my heart was crumbling. I was cleft; torn in two. Should I stand with my morals, and keep my eyes only on guys who prioritized Jesus Christ first, or go with this guy who, through my love struck eyes, made my life feel almost complete.
I slowly turned to look him in the eyes, before murmuring “I don’t know”. “What do you mean you don’t know?” At this point, by the way Simon was shaking, I could see him breaking inside. He was on the verge of tears. Trying to maintain the typical “tough guy” exterior, he looked at me squarely in the face, before nearly breaking into a run.
“I will stay single for the rest of my life”, I confidently inscribed on the tear stained page of my journal, late one night after falling out with my third significant other. Between having a father with whom I never fully felt loved; one of whom was prone to violent outbursts when he got annoyed over things, prone to making my heart break and cause me to have another duvet day more than I already wanted, I decided that I never, ever wanted to rely on a male figure in my life. So far, all I had already seen of them, were violence, undependability and heart break. After feeling as if I had sacrificed my whole life for one, and then to just get dumped or ditched as it is so fondly referred to in Ireland, where I originate from, I found myself never wanting to go through the pain of heartbreak ever again. I felt as if my previous experiences had taught me that no matter how a guy will promise to never leave you, and always be there, he will go back on his word…you will be left alone, clinging onto old photographs with your mascara running down your face. Alone, with nothing to hold onto or save, apart from your memories. -And for someone like myself who possesses a short-term memory… that is not a lot.
It was 6th year when my best friend started acting weird around me. We had been close friends since the tender age of 11, and were always together no matter what…totally inseparable. That was until I started school, and had to keep turning down her invitations to meet up and stay over at her house, as my workload was far too high. I feel as if she didn’t fully understand my circumstances, no matter how much I expressed them to her, and instead felt as if she had been replaced by my new friends at school. Suddenly I began getting the cold shoulder almost far too much for my liking, and started hearing bitter, hateful rumors being circulated about myself right, left and center. I was totally in the dark about what was going on, and then was suddenly added into WhatsApp group conversations with a number of our mutual friends also added into them, and ridiculed. Another one of my closest mutual friends told me that our friends mother, had been telling her parents stories about myself, and they “no longer wanted (her) hanging around” me, as I was apparently a “bad influence”.
They caught me at a low point, and I was devastated. My heart strings were pulled at and tampered with, and I felt myself on a constant low, as the “fiasco” completely unfolded, invading my thoughts and occupying my mind on a constant 24/7 basis. I couldn’t escape from it even at night, as the situation plagued my dreams, turning them into nightmares. To make matters worse, I was in 6th year, stereotyped for being a stressful enough year. Between Leaving Certificate stress, the constant expectations society placed upon my young shoulders, having a dysfunctional relationship with a member of my family, I spent many days alone in my room banging my head off a wall, with tears pouring down my face. I wanted to die. I felt totally misunderstood and hated. I felt as if all around me, people were spouting accusations at me, and instead of waiting for my side of the story, assaulting me with allegations. I hated arguing. I felt as if it resolved absolutely nothing. But all around me, I kept getting dragged into arguments. I was made a pawn in a game I was neither asked, nor wanted to play. I hated the lump in my throat that had become almost too familiar with me. All this time, a bottle filled up with lilac liquid, commonly known as nail polish remover, sat solitary on my shelf. Attached to the sticker on the back, a notice read “Warning! Do not consume! Contents may kill!”…
Sitting on a proverbial stone right now, and thinking back, things could have been so much worse. I could have drunk the corrosive nail polish remover, just like I felt like doing every time my world turned upside down. I could be lying, stone cold in a coffin right now, 10 meters deep in my local cemetery, right at this moment in time. I thought about it, and then I thought about it some more. My conscience told me, “surround yourself with people whose faces light up, because they genuinely want to see you coming. Block out the haters, and move on with your life, follow your dreams, no matter what”…and so that’s what I did. Over two months later when Simon asked me out for the second time, I found myself, this staring back at him, took a deep breath, and meeting his blinking blue eyes, decisively said “yes, I will…let’s try life together”. He gave me his hand, and this time I no longer felt completely empty and alone, as we walked hand in hand across the university campus.